Relationship Styles to Consider Before Making a Time-limited or Lifetime Commitment to a Particular Person

This article is not part of my book, The Passionate Earth, but is a separate article on relationship styles that I am including on this site to illuminate some of my concerns regarding the frequent choice of monogamy in interpersonal relationships. Monogamy includes some of the negative aspects of patriarchy inherent in its formulation and practice. The following article describes the commonly practiced relationship styles noting their positive and negative attributes.

Relationships are the most sought-after unions the human species engages in. Almost all individuals have various types of friendships and many eventually come to partner with someone they consider special and important. Some people have committed relationships and many others engage in marital partnerships of some kind. There are many configurations for relationships and their underpinnings will be the discourse of this article.

The reason I am writing about this subject is because I have been a marriage and family counselor for over thirty years and I have learned a great deal about relationship dynamics from the families and couples I have worked with. I would like to share with you what I have learned in the thousands of hours I have spent talking to people with relationship concerns and difficulties.

I have been aware of how many couples fail to remain together for very long and why this happens so often. I am also aware of the specific difficulties that being in a partnership entails and how to avoid the many pitfalls that are encountered in our daily lives that effect how we function in our intimate relationships.

Let’s take a look at the most common relationships, define them properly and then set out to explore their merits and deficits. From this information, one should be able to decide on a relationship style that fits his or her particular lifestyle and needs.

Definitions: Monogamy

Monogamy

Monogamy is a form of relationship in which an individual has only one partner during their lifetime — alternately, only one partner at any one time (serial monogamy) — as compared to non-monogamy (e.g., polygamy or polyamory).

Serial Monogamy

Serial monogamy is a form of monogamy characterized by several or many successive, short-term marriages over the course of a lifetime. This means that a person moves from one relationship to another but practices monogamy with each individual relationship. One could easily argue that this is really not monogamy at all since the person is changing partners multiple times as opposed to remaining faithful to one partner.

Serial Monogamous Dating

There is also serial monogamous dating in which individuals date various people sequentially and are monogamous in each relationship. This can also become a pattern in which dating replaces marriage by the practice of continuous dating that doesn’t lead to a solid friendship, marital union or a committed relationship.

Serial Dating

Some individuals date several persons simultaneously that can be expressed by commitment or a casual disposition. This type of relationship may include sexual intimacy or be platonic.

Types of Non-monogamy

Casual Relationships

Casual relationships are physical and emotional relationships between two unmarried people who may have a plutonic or sexual affiliation.

Cuckoldry

An individual has sex with other persons without consent from their partner or partners or purposely excludes certain partners from sex.

Group Sex or Orgies

This type of arrangement involves more than two individuals having sex together.

Polyfidelity

Involved persons have multiple partners but only have sex with a particular group of people.

Group Marriage

Several or more people form a single-family unit with each person acting as if they are married to one another.

Line Families

Line families are a form of group marriage intended to outlive its original members by ongoing addition of new spouses.

Open Relationship or Open Marriage

One or both members of a committed or married relationship have the freedom to become sexually involved with others. Despite the condition of sexual freedom with others, often times there are rules or conditions regarding sexual behavior and emotional intimacy may not be encouraged or allowed.

Menage a Trois

Menage a Trois is a sexual relationship involving three individuals.

Polygamy 

Polygamy is a relationship style in which a man or woman can have more than one spouse at a time and the configuration can be multiple spouses or multiple marriages, not husbands and wives in particular.

Polyandry

Polyandry is a relationship style in which a woman has multiple husbands.

Polygyny

Polygyny is a relationship style in which a man can have multiple wives.

Relationship Anarchy

Partners are not bound by any set agreements.

Swinging

Similar to open type relationships but conducted as an organized social activity often involving some form of group sex.

Polyamory

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy”. Polyamory addresses the need for novelty and variety in romantic relationships. Poly families are similar to the group marriage configuration but some participants may not consider themselves married to all the other members.

Non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy or (CNM) is an umbrella terminology for every practice or philosophy of an intimate relationship that does not conform to the standards of monogamy, particularly that of having only one person with whom to exchange sex, love, and affection. A particular and important feature of nonmonogamy is that exclusivity of sexual involvement is eliminated and individuals may be freely involved in multiple and simultaneous sexual or romantic bonds.

Other Configurations

There are also people who have to be in some form of relationship all the time and are always looking for another partner when their present one ends. This can be due to neediness and insecurity, not wanting to be alone or those who just play the field as the saying goes. Some individuals desire commitment and others would rather have more casual or recreational affiliations. The above-mentioned configurations are the most common in Western cultures. Polyamory and Polygamy are alternative relationship styles that are more common in non-Western nations.

The Shift from Peaceful Partnership Societies to Aggressive Patriarchal Dominator Societies

An excerpt from the Passionate Earth: The Evolution of Our Relationship with the Natural World by John Del Signore

I have come-to-the-conclusion, given my research and experience, that human beings are naturally social, cooperative and collaborative as a species and that aggression is not an intrinsic part of human nature. So, it belies me to ask the obvious question: why is there so much aggression and violence in the world today?

It is customary for our modern archaeologists and anthropologists to believe that humans have always been warlike and aggressive. This may be partly true because the Western world has been aggressive and warlike as far back as we can remember. Thus, we tend to assume that early cultures such as hunters and gatherers were warlike and aggressive as well. 

More recent evidence and research by respected researchers indicate that this perception is not so and that hunters and gatherers were actually benevolent, peaceful people that lived together without social stratification and attributed equality to both sexes. Cooperative behavior was valued and negative behavior was dealt with in an attempt to minimize it as much as possible. Paleolithic hunters and gatherers and early Neolithic agricultural societies lived peaceful, egalitarian lives in Europe, the Middle East, and Asia for over five-thousands years and had advanced and sophisticated cultures that rivaled our modern lifestyles and innovative technologies.

If we consider the long period of history in which we were hunters and gatherers and lived in harmony with the Earth and with each other, then most of our past was peaceful with limited aggressive behavior and no evidenced account of warfare or significant conflict among the many tribes that roamed the planet. Even if we were only to include Homo sapiens (modern humans) or the last and most developed species of humanity in this discussion, our past would still reflect a lack of conflict and warfare up until the Neolithic period when Old Europe came under attack from peripheral invaders from northern Europe and Asia. The timespan for peaceful existence would be about 50,000 years for Homo sapiens and another 150,000 years or more if we include our earlier ancestors who were also hunters and gatherers such as Homo erectus and the Neanderthals. If we were to include all human species from Homo erectus onward, we would be at about 3.5 million years of peaceful hunter and gatherer existence.

So, what has happened in the last ten thousand years that has resulted in hostility as a prevalent occurrence in human societies? Exploitive and angry behavior became the unfortunate consequence and companion of modern cultural development along with a dramatic perceptual change in the way men began to perceive and behave towards women and the environment.

The History of Patriarchal Development

“Patriarchy is a form of social organization in which the father is the supreme authority in the family clan or tribe” according to Marija Gimbutas (Lithuanian-American archeologist known for her research into the Neolithic and Bronze Age cultures of Old Europe).  Although we do find some cultures that are matriarchal today, the majority of modern cultures are patriarchal. The patriarchal model became apparent in the late Neolithic period.

Research indicates two major events that contributed to patriarchal development. The first was the Black Sea flood in 6,600 B.C. and the devastating impact this natural disaster had on the people that lived in close proximity to what was an inland lake at that time. The second major event pertained to the migration of people from the North Pontic–Caspian region that Marija Gimbutas named as the Kurgan culture. The Kurgans, as well as a number of other nomadic clan relocations into southeast Europe, had a tremendous impact on the future development of European cultures and on the attitudes and values that have shaped the modern Western world.

We will now examine the Kurgan culture in particular: their lifestyle, values and attitudes, why they became patriarchal and why they migrated south out of the northern latitudes and into southern Europe. We will look at the interactions between the Kurgans and the agrarian partnership cultures of Europe and what resulted from these cultural collisions.

Events of importance include the Black Sea flood of 6,600 B.C., the first Kurgan invasion of southeastern Europe in 4400-4300 B.C., the second Kurgan invasion of southeastern Europe in 3500 B.C. and the third Kurgan invasion of southeastern Europe in 3000-2500 B.C.

The Kurgans are thought to have come from a middle stone-age group of people residing in the area between the Don River and the southern Ural Mountains. They are presumed to have been farmers from the Middle East and Anatolia. They came to inhabit the northern European steppes having migrated through Macedonia and Romania. Over time, they began to domesticate animals, especially horses and transitioned into a more nomadic lifestyle and continued to farm as nature allowed. The harsh terrain of the northern latitudes was not suited for extensive grazing so herds had to be relocated frequently and much defoliation occurred. Despite the climatic difficulties, they lived successfully there for a long period of time. Since moving from place to place imposed many logistical and survival problems, these nomads learned to pilfer from neighboring tribes and other cultural groups to gain subsistence needs. These tactics proved successful, so over time, they fostered intimidating behaviors that became increasingly aggressive and finally developed into outright warfare to procure needed natural resources.

The Black Sea Flood

20,000 years ago, the world’s oceans began to rise due to glacial melting in Eurasia and North America. By, 6,600 B.C., the Mediterranean Sea had filled to capacity, overflowed and flooded the Black Sea and all the surrounding land areas, devastating the landscape and driving the local nomadic and agrarian inhabitants (Kurgans) from their homelands. The fleeing clans had to vie for new homesteads on the limited remaining lands and much infighting ensued. Many tribes had to relocate far from their previous habitats and in unfamiliar territories. This event created immense trauma and destabilized the culture.

The Tools of Conquest

The Kurgans were the first people to domesticate horses and learned how to ride these creatures with great prowess. The horse became a resource that supplied food, power to do work and a dependable and excellent source of transportation. It allowed for migration to distant lands and promoted the nomadic lifestyle. The Kurgans also found the horse to be a deciding factor in their success at warfare. The horses’ speed, dexterity and the high striking position with a long sword created a significant if not overwhelming advantage in battle, especially with enemies that did not have horses at their disposal.

The dietary intake of these creatures being grass also had the negative effect of defoliation and the need to continually be on the move to find adequate pasturelands. This had a destabilizing effect on their society socially and the ability to make permanent settlement was rendered all but impossible and led to land pilfering and the displacement of other tribes as well.

The other event of significance was the discovery of bronze to manufacture tools and weapons. The Kurgans became attached to their weapons and the power it gave them to loot and threaten others and also influenced the position of the male as a dominant force in their social structure. Men began to see themselves as more valuable than women, due to their stronger anatomies, ability to seek and procure land for settlement, fight off enemies and pilfer needed resources from others. This perception evolved a hierarchy in which men started to see themselves as more important than women.

The Arrival of the Hominid

An excerpt from the Passionate Earth: The Evolution of Our Relationship with the Natural World by John Del Signore

Homo erectus was the beginning of the development of the more human-like species that evolved into what we have become today. There are many classifications for early hominids based upon their ancestry and developmental traits, the last of which are known as Homo sapiens or modern humans. Anatomically modern humans have existed for about 200,000 years and behavioral modernity began approximately 50,000 years ago.

The arrival of Homo erectus marked a significant advance in the ability of a species to interact with its environment. They were primarily hunters and gatherers that had learned how to make and use stone tools and utilize fire. They did not yet have a well-developed language but did have a means of communication that was more sophisticated than that of chimpanzees, bonobos or other primates.

When their ability to walk upright on two legs developed, the elevated perspective allowed a wider and farther view of the terrain and freed up their hands to function as tools. Advantages included better navigation, advance notice of danger and the ability to carry, throw, climb, hold, grasp, pull, pound, manipulate and build things such as tools and primitive shelters. Gathering food and other resources became easier and more efficient. Making weapons was not a primary development to kill animals as has been previously thought. Most human endeavors centered around gathering and processing plants and seeds for nutrition and other needs.

The upright posture also had social implications. It allowed for more physical intimate contact among individuals, as their limbs were now free to hold and embrace each other more readily. This also allowed mothers to be more intimate with their children and to provide more nurturance and affection. This promoted positive social relationships, collaboration and cooperation.

Men and women shared responsibilities, maintained equality in status and functioned in a collaborative manner. Children were parented by any or all of the adults and lineage issues were considered unimportant. Sexual behavior was typically non-monogamous, open-ended and served to bond all members of the tribe, thereby fulfilling vital intimacy needs. 

Hunters and gatherers lived in close proximity to the land and felt connected to their habitat. The Earth’s ecosystems in the semi-tropical and tropical regions where humanity evolved were abundant in flora and fauna and made the hunter and gatherer lifestyle viable.

The common view of their early lifestyles was that it was unpleasant, dangerous and short but more recent research has found evidence that this is not necessarily so. Hunting was indeed dangerous if large mammals were sought but the kill rate was quite low at about ten percent. Foraging for fruits, nuts, seeds and plants was the principal diet that provided more than adequate nutritional value and was about a third higher in protein than our modern diets. It has been estimated that only several days a week were devoted to subsistence activities and that much time was spent in leisurely and social pursuits, certainly more than is customary in modern society. Because resources were plentiful and populations were small, competition for available resources was extremely low or non-existent. Thus, we find little or no evidence of pilfering, hoarding or warfare. Aggressive behavior became prevalent only after human populations increased greatly in number, developed much larger settlements than tribes and became decidedly agricultural.

We also find little or no evidence of aggressive or warlike behavior as an intrinsic part of human nature and development. Skeletal remains show few signs of broken or damaged bones from spears, knives or stones. It is believed that humans were overall peaceful creatures that lived egalitarian, cooperative and collaborative lives from about 3.5 million years ago to about 10,000 years ago. Settlement and the shift to agriculture changed this disposition to one that became patriarchal and aggressive and has persisted to this day.

Early humans lived in small tribes of about 25-50 individuals. They were nomadic and literally followed their food supply as it migrated, such as with herds of large animals or followed the progression of ripening plants, fruits, nuts and seeds. Given the abundance of natural resources and the process of learning through experience with their environment, hominids were able to, over time, adapt to habitats with more fluctuations in climate and topography and slowly distributed their numbers throughout the planet’s biomes and ecosystems. The foraging way of life tied the first hominids to their surroundings in an intimate and instinctual manner that persisted successfully for a very long time. 

Life for early hominids also presented some interesting challenges. Hunting for food involved confrontations with many dangerous animals and survival depended upon the ability to find adequate food and shelter. The environment presented other dangers as well. The Earth was in a tumultuous stage of development and natural catastrophes were ever present. These included, cosmic events, meteors, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, cyclones, floods, drought, fire, tornadoes, hurricanes, violent thunderstorms, tsunamis, disease, famine and possibly other disasters we are unaware of. These events were extremely frightening and have been viewed by some anthropologists and psychologists as the first traumatic events to influence the early psyche. It has even been suggested that this was the beginning of what we now refer to as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Hominids felt insignificant and vulnerable in their perplexing world and searched for ways to reduce their traumatic experiences and increase their security.

References:

Eisler, Riane. The Chalice and the Blade, Memories of a Lost Age, Harper San Francisco, pages 59-77.

Ryan, Christopher and Jethra, Cacilda. Sex at Dawn, The Never-Ending Battle Over Prehistoric War. Harper Perennial, 2010, pages 182-199.

Ponting, Clive. A Green History of the World, Ninety-nine Per Cent of Human History. 1991, St Martin’s Press, NY, pages 18-36.

French, Marilyn. Beyond Power: On Women, Men and Morals. Chapter One: The Long View Back, 1985, Belles-Lettres, Inc, Published by Summit Books, pages 25-49.

Edited by Roszak, Theodore, Gomes, Mary E. and. Kanner, Allen D. Ecopsychology: Restoring the Earth Healing the Mind, The Psychopathology of the Human-Nature Relationship, Sierra Club Books, 1995, pages 6-63.

https://passionateearthproject.com/